Eat Your Chopped Liver

“I cannot be an optimist but I am a prisoner of hope.”
― Cornel West

With all the celebration happening and engagements to attend, eating a meal at home is not always the case. If I’m in Tucson I usually eat out, but now that I’m home, not working, I am cooking dinner at home more often. But as I was saying sometimes when you have things to do away from home and that means you are eating somewhere else. No big deal, but that doesn’t mean you’ll enjoy the meal?

Go to one of your favorite restaurant and maybe the chef is not bringing his A game that night. Or you go to someone’s birthday party and the menu is nothing you like or want. I mean it happens once in awhile when the food may not be as tasteful. Maybe I’m just picky, but who am I to judge someone else’s cooking? I’m not a food critic but I could be.

It’s so easy to judge and state your opinion about something wrong with what is being served. How the flavors are not to my liking and I prefer it cooked different. Compare it to other enjoyable meals and say, “I like my Grandma’s better.” But there is a part of me that just wants to say, “just shut up and eat your food.”

Not always easy to bite your tongue especially when your expectations are set high and then your not as satisfied. Disappointed maybe because I been spoiled with good food from my grandma this whole time and in life you want to have good food always. And even though I have that option to state my disapproval or even state a compliment, I must also remember everyone else.

People who may not have that option to choose to like their meals, and then there are people who don’t even have a meal at all. People starving all over the world and I’m complaining because the noodles are too soggy and the beans need salt.

This reminds me off a time when we were growing up and our family was having some big picnic. It might have been for a holiday or some special occasion I can’t remember but I do recall that my mom was bringing a cake to the get-together.

The morning before we head out to the gathering, were getting ready of course running late. My Mom tells my brother and I to load up the car with whatever were bringing. We pack the car with the cake along other items for the picnic. So occupied on other things in the house we rush back inside.

At the time we were living in Sells and our neighbors had these dogs that always hung around the premises.  Rez dogs.

When we are actually ready to leave the house, we go outside and I hear my Mom screaming. I see all these dogs running away from my mom’s car in a rush. In a hurry not paying attention I’ve must have left the trunk door open and that was pretty much an open invitation for the neighbors’ dogs. They ate the entire cake.

There was probably a decent size slice left but my Mom was so mad that she just told me to throw it away. We leave our house without a cake and it was like we each held a piece of the blame. I don’t remember how old I was but it was a minor mistake that just started off the day wrong.

I really don’t remember how the picnic went. I’m pretty sure it went well. The reason why I bring up this moment is that even though our cake was demolished that didn’t necessarily mean our meal was ruined.

I guess what I’m saying is that a meal can be great because the tastes are satisfying and there is plenty to go around. But a meal can also be great only based off of who you’re sharing that meal with, family, friends, or a significant other. Taste is crucial but not always the case if you’re lucky enough to enjoy the company at the dinner table. The taste of the food matters, although so do the stories, the tales behind the food and how they came to be. Food and gossip are like best friends. Food for thought while I’m digesting.

Nobody had cake that day. Well the dogs did. But it didn’t ruin anything in the long run and it was definitely something we always talk about and bring up. I look back on that moment and think even though we didn’t have dessert that day, we still got full of off something. The story of the Rez dogs eating our carrot cake is a snack that I will carry forever.

We didn’t eat cake but the taste of that memory will always be delightful.

I mean that is why I wanted to share this story; it was because I still had a successful meal. It wasn’t ruined because I still had family there and their laughter made up for the sweetness. Not having cake was still important because we laughed about it at the table and that connection was still there. The mystery of the flavors is almost more satisfying than how it actually tasted.

From time to time taste can be secondary to what is important when it comes to food and what really matters is how close the food is bringing people together.

The food could be terrible but I’m still fortunate to have a meal and even more blessed to have people to share it with. The thing that is keeping me alive may not always taste good. But who defines good anyway?

I can already see my food critic career burning.

Be thankful that you get to eat because it might not always taste well; sounds like a good mantra to end on. Peace.

Edible Fireworks

“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.”

― Socrates

Leaving club cloud nine because it’s last call and I need to get some rest; it feels good to be done with school and to have something accomplished or under my belt. The big commencement was on Friday and it surpassed my expectations only leaving me feeling exhausted from all the possibilities now in front of me. All the words of encouragement have filled my head and I just need to sleep on all of this. As much as we love to celebrate the party does end you something new must begin. The door closes but another one opens type of deal. I just hope I’m not forgetting anything to do before I close this door.

I guess even though some things end and you have to deal with this closure, there is still this feeling of beginning or renewal. I’m finished with school but now I’m entering the real world and I still feel like a student. The world is my school and the semester is already starting, with all this new confidence I’m holding, things are more vivid than ever. But I now see that there is something to lose in the grand scheme of things and if I don’t take advantage of the time I have in life now, I might miss out on doing things I wanted to do before it’s too late. Make the best moments in these transitions because they will haunt you forever.

Graduation week was highly anticipated but when it was actually occurring it felt like I was just walking in unending hallways never actually taking the time to smell the roses. I had all these things planned for when I completed school that I just forgot about. Not enough time for everything I had planned out, but maybe they weren’t as important as I thought they would be.

They have this gas station-convenient store just off of campus near by where I would catch the city bus. I always went in to get breakfast in the mornings and buy a cold drink after a long day. I also would go in to buy gum or to break a twenty so I could have the correct amount of change for the bus. It was a place I stopped at least once or twice a week. On the counter of the register there was this glass case of cigars. Every time I would go in there I would see these cigars and I always thought to myself. When I’m done with everything I am going to come in this store and buy one of these cigars. Have a cigar for my achievement.

Never got around to buying that celebratory cigar for myself. I wanted to celebrate with that a cigar I had my eye on all semester but things just don’t always work out the way you think they are. I was just happy to be finished.

I wasn’t nervous about graduation itself, I was more worried about making it to graduation on time. So many people for the big event and I just wanted to be sure that I’m following through on my end of the deal. Being on time and even better to be early so you can scope out the venue and see what is on the table. Did not want to show up late for my own graduation; wanted to just walk into it on-time. Like gravy.

Although time is a very greasy thing and it can slip through your fingers very easily if your not paying attention to how you use it. I was staying in Tucson the night of the graduation and it was near the time I was planning to leave the hotel to the stadium. I get a phone call from one of my old friends, telling me he’s waiting for me down stairs. He’s got a gift for me.

I know I needed to be across town but this is my friend “Jay.” We go back since middle school, and after all these years we still talk. Not on an everyday basis but I know I got his support when he’s nowhere in sight. Even though we’re not on the same wavelength, I can still depend on the guy. So I meet him down stairs and we go for a ride. I still have a little time before the big showdown.

Jay and I haven’t sat down and hung out in a long time. It was a peaceful moment away from the chaos of graduation, and seeing someone familiar really reminded me of the beginning. I mean I’ve met so many new people that I haven’t known that long but it’s nice to see a face you recognize after all the years have gone by. We pull up to a park and he opens the glove compartment. He hands me a cigar and says “congratulations.” Of course he has one from himself and we light our cigars and enjoy.

I have all these expectations in life but the things I want may not come the way I thought them. This celebratory smoke session was what I needed. It’s like even though I have to make life-changing decisions on top of the things I’m doing for school, it is good to have people in your life that remind you to have fun and relax. We catch up on current events and trade stories about the world. He drops me back off at the hotel.

That celebratory cigar was the “icing on the cake.” for the entire week.

I had no plans to meet up with Jay and even if I did, it wouldn’t have been the same. So I leave the hotel and start making my way towards the football field. There are several ways to get to campus and I wanted to take my usual route. I go up 22^nd like I do normally and there is a long line of cars.  All the way to the front of all those cars just parked, is a train frozen.

The train is not moving and I turn around right away, I couldn’t afford to wait. I end up in some neighborhood and get lost for brief seconds. Cops are directing traffic all over and by whatever route I took, takes me downtown. Getting closer to campus I know I will make it on time. Pay attention to the minor details and make adjustments as you go, but never stick to the plan. The recipe is a reference but that doesn’t mean that you need to follow the exact measurements and ingredients listed.

Spice things up and don’t forget to clean up your mess.

Sweet Tooth

The summer is mine and it feels like a summer I haven’t felt in a long time. Of course being in southern Arizona you can expect the heat but I’m not complaining. Bring the heat. I’m ready for the summer but I’m also ready for whatever life throws at me too.

I think summer is my favorite season. I have been in school for so long and I think summer means something different. Only because when I was in school and it was close to summer time, that meant there was a break coming. This summer break is a monumental one because I’m getting off the academic calendar. I don’t have any classes in the fall. I am done for now. So this summer is one that could last forever if I let it.

So fast your life can change and I am the only  one responsible for the transition. I know I owe everything to my family and people for their support over the years. But everything that’s changing is my own doings. I’m to blame for this all happening. But their support pushed me to finish and now that I am at the end of a road, I’m exhausted of course but I’m just thinking to myself “now what?” I say those two words at ease almost like I have a manual or a checklist of some sort that I could refer to as a map. Unfortunately I don’t have a gps-life-map however I do have an idea or rough draft of how I want things to be. It might be blurry at the moment but I sure do like the feeling of being lost. It’s exciting not to know. You know?

Although I will miss my old schedule and it kept my life in some kind of order all those crazy years. It’s a give and take situation, I think. Now that my summer has opened up and I no longer have classes, I also need to find something to do with my time and on top of that it needs to challenge me.

This semester was unlike any I’ve ever had. Maybe because it was my last one before I actually graduated but I have many stories that came out of it. Met so many new people that I hope to stay in contact with and hopefully continue those conversations we started but never finished. I definitely traveled more miles in the semester than any other, that’s for sure. Up early on the road. Mondays and Wednesdays were always up in the air. Either I had a ride or I stayed in town. Borrowed relatives’ cars. Friends dropping me off somewhere, getting picked up by the jack in the box next to campus. Riding the city-bus to catch the shuttle. Meeting the best strangers on the ride back home. None of my other semesters were as dramatic as this one.

It reminds me, that things should never get easy, and in life you have choices. The outcome of the choices might not always look like what’s being offered. It may look totally different. It might even be ten times better. The options are endless. But here’s the catch. In order to get the full experience you will need to do something great. Not anything that will make you rich or give you a lots of friends. I’m talking about something that could change the world. If executed correct with charisma and devotion I think it is possible that an individual’s choice can make a difference for the better. But it is not that easy. Because like me or anyone else willing to admit, things in life are hard. People are struggling all over the world. Nonetheless everyone has that option to be great and everyone has that option to try. And everyday shouldn’t get easier because in order to be great you need to be always taking on a new challenge, bigger than before. Everyday.

Always room for improvement.

The summer is a jar of honey and I am “as hungry as a bear.”

Cold Potato

The previous post I mentioned this moment I had with my uncle when he suggested that I started peeling the potatoes when I was just a small kid. It was in that moment that my uncle’s words really woke me up and gave me courage and the will to grow. After sharing that with the blog it got me in the mood to make potatoes for breakfast that weekend.

I’m not a big fan of cooking potatoes; they are not easy to handle. Besides peeling and cutting them, you need to wash them and grease the pan. Whatever cooking oil is available, I’m not picky. But sometimes I put too much cooking oil and the potatoes can get too greasy. Although if you don’t use enough the potatoes can start to stick to the pan and it can get messy. If you cook them too long they can get mushy. I don’t want the potatoes to be still raw. It is just an ingredient I have yet to master and conquer.

I’ve been getting thing wrapped up with the semester and I can’t wait to be just done and not worry about nothing with school, just be away somewhere. A mental vacation from this hectic university world is what I need. Forever grateful for the experience but I need to just step away momentarily. Put a fork in me.

I just want to be the “couch potato” and I know that is not the case. As much I would like to just live on the couch and pretend that I’m on some leather island. I have things cooking all over that I must tend to. There are summer jobs that I need to be applying to and people I need to get in touch with about future opportunities. There are so many things that come before the couch potato stage and if I want to actually get something done then I should probably not spend too much time on that island. No matter how tropical things are.

Coming on to new territory and dealing with something new and tedious can make you feel more comfortable on a couch rather than getting out in the world and doing something productive. As much as I want to be a couch potato right now I got more important distractions outside of this comfort zone. I am in a space that I have never been before. As I get older and I’m getting to these different stages in life where I need to think about my decisions and place in this world. My next move in life. Bittersweet always.

I have accomplished something that seemed impossible at one point in my life. I had every intention to finish my bachelor’s degree but I thought it would take a lot longer and I would have more time to think and adjust. But now that I’m finishing up and getting ready for graduation; things are just getting too real. Time out.

I have to laugh because even though I’m walking on top of the world and I have this huge goal accomplished; it’s in the bag and I can see all the work I’ve done over the years accumulating into something. But I still have a ways to go before I get to where I really want to be. Only because I haven’t thought about it too much in great detail and just have doodles of what it looks like. I do have a goal to write a book of poetry maybe travel and I know these milestones are in my future but I need to be doing something in the mean time. Let me think of something to write a book about. I need new material now.

No matter how many goals I finish and reach there are still things that I will want to get done. More to conqueror and explore. Learning always and there is more to go after the next day or the next goal. Once you realize there are other things to chase in the world and more to gain then it is like back to square one all over. And I think the key to it is to think of it as solving a puzzle. Putting it together. Then right after completing it, destroying it and start from scratch. If this analogy isn’t doing it for you; then think of it as a meal or recipe.

We all need to eat. If you do the same recipe over and over again I believe the meal or dish will become better. Better in the aspect of the cook’s comforts making the dish and even the taste of the recipe. Now recipes are not all the same. Some are more difficult than others. But when you master any recipe or dish and justifying this skill level is simple. Did it feed anybody? Did you enjoy the meal?

Now let me throw this at you. So you master this recipe and you’ve reached this high point in success and the opportunity to learn and master a different recipe comes your way. A recipe that is unfamiliar and may even seem impossible at that moment; the opportunity is only yours for the taking. The original recipe will always be there and will help you feel confident taking on this new recipe. Also accepting the new hardships and challenges that go along with mastering the new recipe. There are choices a chef or cook has to make in order to experiencing success with a meal. If you were in this position, what would you do?

I think the puzzle analogy was more like a day-to-day thing. In a strange way if you look at, everyday is a puzzle. Maybe not the same puzzle but it something you must complete everyday to stay consistent or maybe you just really like working on puzzles. It seems that puzzles just make it more confusing to what I’m saying. Food for thought.

My potatoes came out actually pretty good that weekend. No complaints after. My brother was working early that weekend and E-girl was with us at home. She’s getting bigger and starting to ask if she can help with just everything she sees you doing. She says, “I wanna help you,” and the tables have truly turned. Instead of the uncle telling the nephew what he should do; it is the niece asking the uncle what she can do to help. The generations have changed the way things work. She is just a delight to be around but difficult to manage if she doesn’t get her way. Cooking potatoes maybe not the first thing I’ll teach her. But she will eventually need to start somewhere. Maybe not cooking right away but if she does want to help, I have to make that happen. Washing dishes is where we will start her and we won’t do anything else until we mastered that art.

I always say I’m the fun uncle and yes I am to a certain degree. I’m only fun if those dishes are did honey. We have the best time eating when E-girl is at the table.

She cooks the entertainment and brings plenty.

During my time here at the University of Arizona my overall perspective in poetry has been deeply transformed. Along with the vast amount of knowledge in this literary genre, there has also been provided a unique confidence that I needed to feel comfortable calling myself a poet.  It is not only recognizing my position as poet, but also using poetry to channel my own language to clearly voice what I think is important. This assurance I have for my writing was not always present and because I have this reassured confidence in poetry, I am now able to see poetry in a brand new light.

You know I feel that in poetry there is this level of honesty with how a poet lays down language. Not everything makes sense but if I stay honest with myself I will always need poetry to feel sincere. And maybe poetry isn’t for everybody else but all I can say is don’t knock it till you try it.

The food idiom of the post is to “use your noodle” which I understand completely and it can have several translations of how it can be used. But it’s really just telling someone to think or to use his or her head. Really it is like telling someone to use their critical thinking skill and almost can imply that people don’t regularly use their brains. It is very cool not only as a poet but as a person with so many opinions to express that sometimes it is the tone and delivery that can make this saying really offensive or just playful.

They say you are what you eat but you are also what you say. But sometimes it is how you say it that can make a ton of difference. It is very close to graduation. And along with that celebration there is also a lot of reflection and reminiscence of where you came from. And it is rewarding to be able to have something to celebrate but you are also able to see the place you started at, almost like calculating every footstep and seeing how even though things have changed so much, nothing will ever change like the way I want it to. I am in charge of change and what that change is or what it is I’m looking for in this next chapter in life is a covenant with my own self.

Slowly realizing that even though I have deadlines and events to attend that are apart of my requirements for my classes; I am and always have the need to be thinking about what I honestly want to do. I mean I have the influence of my education and have met so many inspirational individuals on this trail I took to get here. I got here of course with the help of everyone in my life but it was me that needed to actually follow through and get it completed.

I always go back to this moment from my childhood when I was just a kid, maybe seven or younger. It was my older uncle ”Gin-Gin” my mom’s younger brother who was not getting mad at me but telling me in a loud voice to take on more responsibility. I remember that day clearly too. We were cooking breakfast at my grandma’s house at the time. It was my brother, my uncle, my mom and me living at the house, and the potatoes needed to be peeled and cut.

Everyone was busy doing something else and of course we were just kids waiting to be fed. We didn’t help out during that time, I guess we were just kids. And it was just out of nowhere when my uncle said, “Let Sky do it, he needs to learn.” And that stuck out for me up until now and it always will. Those words and not just the words but the fact that my adult uncle saw that I was ready or he saw something in me. I don’t know what but that moment I have carried with me all the way here, where I am now.

I lost my uncle shortly after that moment and it was one of the clearest I have of him. We all have a trail or road that offers some challenge or information, but in reality sometimes those trips or voyages are ones that you need to go alone. And I think that is why my uncle said what he said about me doing something for the family. He knew I was capable of doing more, capable of peeling those potatoes for us to eat.

 I chose this particular video because I remember reading about how when Chris Cornell was getting famous with his band Soundgarden and was experiencing success to some degree although it didn’t necessarily mean that he was happy or satisfied. He had just lost a dear friend of his and the loss of his friend couldn’t be replaced with possessions and money. And I think sometimes life can revolve around money and possessions, but ultimately they could end up being secondary to something way more important like your own happiness.

Hungry For Greatness Vs. Cooking Up Greatnesss

“I am Plato to Biggie’s Socrates.” – Jay-Z

 I see the time slowing down even though I am in this tornado of things occurring. I can’t help but feel the time caressing this experience I am having with my last semester here on campus. I can see all those old buildings just pumping out knowledge and I can taste hints of what has yet to come. Like I can smell something being cooked in the kitchen.

 The food idiom of the post is to be “toast.” Which means to be in serious trouble. I got a e-mail from one of my advisor saying that I was set to graduate and that I only needed to pass the classes I’m taking now. Easier said than done. No pressure, which is never the case. The pressure is what makes things interesting. It’s what makes you who you are. How do you deal with pressure?

So close to the end and there is still a chance I might still have to re-take classes. I’m trying to let that not happen but there’s still a chance. And things just get rough and I know that I will finish. I’m ready for it all even though there are doubts about the future. That doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it or experience it. The last days on campus are among us and I am running around like a chicken with his head cut off. I like the challenges I come across from day to day and I can’t help but feel like I’m departing from the University. Which I am but I guess I still just want to hang out and soak up the last of those college juices. Empty.

It’s been a difficult time with the semester mainly commuting from the Rez to Tucson and then backs to the Rez on certain days. As much I as like being a college kid thriving on my youthfulness. I also like being in the Village near friends and family. Missing out on dinners at home when they’re still sitting at the table. At least I think they do. Its like I miss out on things that are discussed or don’t taste things tasted. I know it sounds silly but I do get some sense of being grounded when sitting at the table with family making chit chat or talking about the day. I miss out on those things happening while I am too experiencing something totally different.

Although when I do get to come home which is usually when I have time to catch a shuttle that takes me back to the Rez. I been riding that shuttle for about a year and it scoops us at up at the Laos Center bus station on the south side of Tucson. I need to be able to be there by three o’ cock and if I get there with time to spare and haven’t had any lunch. I make a quick trip right across the street. They have a Sonoran hotdog stand and they are just a slices of delicious  treats wrapped in beacon. Topped with tomatoes, onions, mayo, mustard, and whatever else that makes those dogs melt my soul. So good. And so when the day is good and I know I can make it home that Sonoran dog just makes the day even sweeter.

 There are few people that run the stand and they all do good work. This Tuesday on my way home I decide to visit my favorite stand. The main guy that is usually working is there this day. Miguel is always inviting and knows how I like my Sonoran dog. No jalapeno sauce and no chili. I’ll buy a soda if they have one I like. Usually already have water so we have a routine or repotire. A pit stop in my journey if you will. Miguel is a cool dude and always has interesting things to share. But this time we somehow started talking about basketball and how the Lakers got beat by the Spurs in the playoff opener.

 It was a question even I was wondering about? These Lakers with such an odd season would they even make an appearance in the playoffs this year? Miguel informs me that the Lakers did make the playoffs and apparently they’re playing San Antonio. But Kobe is out with an injury.

 I think Miguel is a Lakers fan. I would say the sport of basketball just always interests me and its hard for me to talk basketball and not talk about the Lakers. I don’t have a favorite team but Lakers are just epic. Hate them or love them. They do have some great players that have wore that bright yellow jersey and that have brought back rings back to the dynasty. So they are the talk for a reason.

 I always remember as kid watching the NBA playoffs with my grandma. Back in the 90’s when it was Jordan the player everybody talked about. Mainly that he was awesome but me being a rebel I always rooted for the teams that Jordan was facing. And you know I can truly say that Jordan has ruined so many games for me. He’s such an artistic player. Like you were watching him work and deliver a message. So charismatic in everything he did.

 Even though I was rooting against him. I still idolized his game and swag. That’s how it goes when greatness is among you. You still can’t help but be appreciative for what a person brings to the game. I mean there are good players, but there is a difference between a great player and a good player. Not only are great players consistent but they seem to have this self determining façade like they’re almost playing against them self. And the game is secondary because they have the will to challenge themselves and do something that will change the way we see the game.

 And when it was one of those games. A nail bitter. I remember one year they were playing the Utah Jazz. Karl Malone and John Stockton were doing their thang and when it came down to last seconds. The game is about to end and there was a slim chance they could score or even win. The game that has you standing because you are so nervous to see what’s going to happen when the clock stars running. When everything is on the line. Who do you call to?

 Can you imagine the chaos? The stadium filled with fans screaming. People watching all over the world the Bulls and Jazz getting down. You have an opposing team that is capable of beating you this time. Loss is apart of the game. And some of those fans are people that want you to fail. All the boos also and all that pressure on just that one moment.

 I know we all wanted Jordan to have the ball. Even if you were against him you still wanted to see if he could do it. And I think what made it so intriquing was that even though we all wanted Jordan with the ball we all very much knew that Jordan wanted that ball too. And that is why he was great. With all that noise and pressure you could never see fear in Jordan. He just accepted that role for his team. He was that go-to guy when things got hectic. The one who gets things done.

 In this day in age I would say it is Kobe that represents that kind of player. And that is why the Lakers are the talk of the town when it comes to basketball. Because Kobe is great and he represent the Lakers proudly. Kobe and Jordan get compared to each other all the time. Who’s better? And as Jordan retired Kobe became Kobe but in an odd way he took on the Jordan façade that Jordan portrayed during the prime of his career. Kobe is the go-to guy now. He’s the Jordan of his time but I can’t help but see this passing of the torch sentiment as a punishment of time. Like I know we get old but sometimes it just a thing that makes you wonder. How would things be if these guys got to play each other in a championship series? Best of seven. It’s also bittersweet because I am a fan of basketball first and it is always interesting to see these upcoming players that are destined to play great basketball. But are they worthy of being compared to Jordan or Kobe? Like anyone could be that person Kobe hands the torch to. That’s a debate probably happening somewhere in the world right now.

I eat my Sonoran Dog. Which is excellent. No mustard on the jeans which means success in my book. Thank Miguel and catch him on the flip side. As we say because I still have some time in the semester to treat myself to a Sonoran dog. So Miguel knows I’ll be back. Going to be riding that shuttle home another day probably. You know the topics of conversation vary with Miguel. We can talk about pretty much anything from going out drinking with friends and having a good time even after the bars close. The way a girl can be so attractive and gorgeous that all you can do is just stare in awe. Even though he is working and I am just waiting for the shuttle to arrive. There is still that need and want to have a meaningful conversation on both ends. I try to be like that with everybody. But when I come to get a Sonoran dog after a long day on campus discussing concepts of tribal soverginity. It’s still nice to have these talks about basketball and just be entertained by someone else’s feelings toward the sport or the Lakers. It is just a goodtime overall.

The food saying “toast” can also mean when a person makes a speech or a grand gesture at a fancy event. Maybe when you have a lot of people you know and you have something important to say or tell them. Although a lot of people fear public speaking like more than dying I think. So either way you are toast.

“You can’t move forward until you look back.”

― Cornel West           

 

Catching Up

Shall I count the hours or shall I count the weeks? I’m so close to the end and I can’t help but feel disconnected to myself from three years ago. I mean if I could time travel three years into the past and share a moment with the younger me. I know it sounds like the premise to an awesome science-fiction flick, but if I could talk to the three year younger me. What would I say to myself? Would I be angered, or impressed?

I’ve mentioned this in many of blog post so it seems, the struggles of adulthood is a popular theme and one that just comes up regardless. It’s just what I’m going through constantly in life. The hardships of growing up; I just want to keep true to the real me. The me that I can’t recognize because he is older and looks responsible. Even though I am aware of the concept of being an adult, that doesn’t mean that my childhood experiences have nothing to do with this new aspect of my life just beginning. Still a kid a heart, but my old soul wants me to act my age. Whatever that means?

I think the big difference between childhood and adulthood is that as a child you have this ability to imagine the world being this place where dreams and goals are born. Now, adulthood can be similar to this ability to create something out of nothing, although in adulthood the dream or goal considered can come to life or take a tangible shape. I believe this is why I have so many issues revolving around this idea of growing up. I want the future to be a place where the younger me is proud and secure.

I have accepted the responsibilities of my adult life, but it is very odd for me because I want to create something original the younger me wanted. And it becomes confusing because I know I’ve changed over the semesters. I’ve learned new things. Influence sneaks up on you. I question what adulthood brings because I want the new space to be a good place for me to be.

I know it sounds like I’m over exaggerating, and it is a reflective thing that needs to be taken care of or dealt with. I know I’m near the end of this tunnel and when I finally reach the end I’ll just want to still feel connected to the younger me. I’m not making sense, but I think it has to do with the reevaluation of the goals and dreams that were on the table from the beginning. I guess the younger me, and the older me need to have some kind of mutual understanding.

It just seems that when things are hectic or even hazy, the future is distorted and it might have to do with my internal self not on the same track as my present self. And because of this dilemma I believe in these moments of confusion; an individual should be able to tweak or rethink his goals and dreams. Rearranging things in a different order or simplifying what you’re trying to say and finding a new way to say it. Sometimes language just has to be adjusted to give a clearer meaning or significance. All I’m saying is that from time to time when things are overbearing or overwhelming it wouldn’t hurt to adjust or fix the way you perceive your life goals or dreams and make them even richer or more tangible. When things get hard and you find yourself almost feeling stuck. I mean you work hard to accomplish something important and when things get unclear it may help to step back. Go back to the drawing boards. Take it back to the beginning and see how time has evolved things in your life. Reconsidering the original drafts of a vision and making additions or taking things out. Just reconsider the idea and see what else it could be.

I personally think its ok to go back to the drawing board and re-invent the dream. Tweak it to make the present clearer, maybe things aren’t what they seem and a goal was really a job. I’m speaking on my own expectations of life and where I want to be in this world. And to have that ability to re-adjust and re-think a goal or dream is a good trait to have when working with time.

Time is so unpredictable. As much as I can prepare for the future and plan for the future, there is so much of the future that I have no control over. So you should be able to reinvent the dream from time to time, and adjust your stance in life and to help keep your composure in your day-to-day living. Expecting the unexpected in an odd way.

The food idiom of the post is, “cut the mustard.” It means to succeed and meet expectations. It’s not one I use everyday. But how I can relate it to how things are in my life at the moment. At this particular moment it is the fourth quarter and the points I need to make are my assignments that still need to be turned in. I need to prove to myself that I can cut the mustard. As much as I know I can cut it. I am going to actually show or do. Proof, they want proof always.

This goes back to having the ability to reinvent the dream. I know once this semester is over I’m going to have more time to think about my goals and dreams. I think it’s important in life to reach your dream or goals. At least attempt to cut the mustard.

“A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.”

                                                       -Albert Einstein

Veggies ‘R’ Us

Things are getting real. It’s like crunch time for me. The semester is winding down and I’m more nervous about getting all my assignments turned in. Dreading this exam I got coming up and I can’t help but see this sense of relief once that last thing is done to signify the completion of the semester. Usually it’s an exam. The blue book you buy at the bookstore, writing your name on the cover that lets the instructor know that you are attempting the exam they’ve prepared. Walking out the building, the same building you’ve been walking in and out for the past five months. Or is it when the time runs out and what you got is what you got?

The hectic atmosphere we get ourselves in, when we take on these challenges.  Always good to stay, “cool as cucumber” as these times start to get overbearing and challenging. Keeping calm is probably the most suitable answer for all the things I’m facing with the chapter in my life closing. So chill. How will me making a fuss solve anything? Get it done. Do some food meditation. Cool as a cucumber intuition. Keep things under control.

Cool as cucumber is not always easy to attain, if you know what I mean. I guess in the case of my niece Elexis when we visit our Grandmother, which is E-girl’s Great-Grandma, always fun to see the dynamics of our family when all four generations are being represented.  I mean Elexis is still so young and has not really paid any attention to what makes my Grandma tick. She is oblivious to all the rules and customs that my brother and I had to learn growing up. So when we visit my Grandma with E-girl, I’m already just anticipating something to happen or to break.

My grandma’s house is laid out in a particular way. Everything is in its chosen place, all the glass and ceramic figurines. These are my grandma’s collections and precious items. I personally would never touch anything, just because I’m not bothering Grandma’s stuff. So pretty much everything in my Grandma’s house is capable of being broken by us or even worse, E-girl.

Those ceramic figurines and porcelain ornaments are just toys to Elexis. So the time frame from when we walk into my Grandmas house to the moment when we walk out the door, I have my eye on E-girl. And it is so scary. Because she takes the different figurines and slams them on the table, playing with them like they’re her plastic toys. And to make things even more daunting, My Grandma has these Christmas ornaments that are just on the ledge of this two inch self. Elexis has to tippy toe just to reach certain ones. But she uses the ledge as a playground for the newly found toys. Them being potentially broken is not a concern of E-girl’s.

I know E-girl means no harm and I’m just trying to keep the peace. But being able to stay cool as cucumber when all I’m seeing is Elexis passionately smashing the figurines together is impossible. It’s nerve racking because I don’t know how my Grandma will respond to E-girl if something breaks or happens. There is just worry and concern on my end of things going bad. I know it sounds silly but I want things to go well.

Staying calm in those situations, is tricky. Whatever happens happens. And out all those times visiting nothing has been broken. Knock on wood. I just have to hold my breath when I’m there with E-girl. My grandma wasn’t mean but more like strict with us growing up. We respected her wishes and acted the way she wanted us to act. I love my Grandma and she has taught me so many things in my life. But she can be intense if things go wrong, or if things happened when they could have been prevented. She is just someone you don’t like to see discouraged. So that might say more to the reason why I don’t want E-girl to break anything of my grandmas. I guess I would feel semi-responsible for it all. I need to be a really cool cucumber if I take E-girl to see her Great Grandma.

You know my Grandma was a lot younger when I was a child. E-girl is not getting the version I got. And I keep forgetting she is not the Grandma, she is the Great-Grandma. The dynamics of the family are shifting. We all got symbolically promoted. Of course I’m the fun Uncle buck. And my Grandma got a “great” added to her title. So maybe if something were to break, she wouldn’t get as mad or even care. We shall see.

My Grandma the person that cooked for me my whole life is still going at it in the kitchen. She still even makes tortillas, but in O’odham it’s called Cemait. Which is challenging in itself. I can’t make cemait.  So when I get to have cemait at my grandmas, it’s just the icing on the cake.

Elexis is fortunate to taste the cemait made by her Great-Grandmother’s. All of us connected through food. Wow how about that? I think someone is cutting onions because I am crying for no apparent reason.

I am going to be one with the cucumber. 

Brewing A Conscience

I am getting more comfortable writing for the blog and of course what I could always strive to do is keep coming up with new creative ways to incorporate food and memories into a blog post.

The blog is an outlet for me. Writing it and having it means something different for me. It is an extension of my voice via the internet. Yay! for the internet. The food idiom of the post is “I have a bone to pick.” Kind of odd because the blog in a sense is me with a bone to pick. Always analyzing my experiences. Questioning the way things are.  I guess having a bone to pick is what it’s all about.

I mentioned this in a pervious post but sometimes these routines and schedules can be like going with the motions, if you let them. I have a bone to pick with myself.

With all this change in the air, did I stay true to myself?

The time goes by in a heartbeat. I am near the end of a long ride. Getting my degree here at UofA has been such a gigantic experience and it seems that I will be analyzing it forever. I guess the time is what keeps everything making sense but when you analyze time, it is just a bunch of memories; time isn’t tangible.

The bone I’m picking with myself is a complex one. Did you do everything you said?

Was the experience worth it? I know that I aged. I still want to feel like a kid but nothing can deny the fact that I am growing up. Graduation is what I’m anticipating, although, adulthood is associated with that threshold in life. I know when I entered the University life that I was taking on a something big, but I never wanted to feel completely disconnected with who I was becoming.

The stereotype that adulthood brings. I guess I always associate boring responsibilities with growing up. And to some degree maybe adulthood is a stream of responsibilities waiting to be dealt with.  But I’m my own adult. I can choose what kind of adult life I want to live. I also think that as an adult you can create any world and situation to be apart of, but the individual must be willing and committed to put in that effort and concentration to make that life a reality.

“I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t done.”

                                                            –Lucille Ball

I wanted share this quote and I really think it sums up this way of living poetically. Even though the choices in life are difficult to make. We need to be doing things we honestly want to do. Being sincere with yourself and those around you, but also owning up to the consequences of your actions in life. Why is it so hard to live in the moment?

A very close friend of mine, we always have this talk about this way of living poetically. Where the present is what matters most. I’m not saying the past or future is less significant but in order to pay homage to anything, it is the present that will allow you to appreciate life overall. But it is hard not be distracted by the future and the past. Although the past has already occurred and the future is not even here yet, then it is the present that actually holds any tangible information or significance for a person.

I will always be thinking about my time here on campus and may even be semi regretful for certain things I never got around to doing. Nonetheless I will never be regretful for deciding to get my education here at the University of Arizona.

This is just my take on life. I could have it wrong for all I know. But it does sound like I know what I’m taking about. Appreciate the moment and appreciate the people your sharing the moment with. Cheers!

Pour Out A Little Love

This semester has been awkward for me in terms of my family life and my role in that scenario. Wasn’t a problem last semester but just with my schedule and commuting to campus from the Rez. I’m tired always. It’s just exhausting trying to stay on top of things. And I know my house projects are piling up as I put them to the side because I have class or a paper to write. I just know I’m missing out on things happening at home.

I’m a best of both worlds kind of guy. I want to be here on campus doing my thing although I also want to be at home hanging out with my two year old niece, and you know just living my life. I mention my niece right away because it is the main relationship that I know is getting neglected. She has a bedtime so she needs to be asleep when I’m still awake. And I’m out of the house by the time she is up. She knows I’m at school; everyone tells her. But she still asks, “Where’s uncle?”

So when I do finally get time to spend with E-girl it is all fun. I try to keep it fun. Easier said done. I try not to get on her bad side, but there is nothing to stop what they call the “terrible twos.” She gets mad from time to time. But who doesn’t? A lot of times it’s because she didn’t take a nap all day, and if everyone is up then she’ll fight her sleep till the dad has to come in. And she just wants to be up with everyone else. It’s so cute because she can use her tone and words in the most pleasing way. The way she says “please” when she wants something. She makes my heart melt, that innocent voice. I could never be mad at her.

A few weeks back during Spring Break I got the chance to spend more time with her. My Mom and I were watching Elexis while her Dad was out and about. Elexis and My Mom have their little connection too. Grandma time. So like I said E girl can be very sweet and her ability to use language right after we teach it to her is like magic.

So it’s a Saturday evening and she asks if she can drink her cup of milk in the living room while she plays with her toys. I don’t have a problem with that. I trust her. But this wasn’t my call. I said, “Ask grandma.” And I’m not sure if my mom ok’ed the milk in the living room. But Elexis did get to have her milk on the living room carpet, somehow because she was being careful and I knew she would be ok. So she was in a good mood and I was happy to be home and with her. She was doing it.

I leave the living room for a second to get something in my room. And then I hear that innocent voice say “Uncle I spilled my milk.” Like she spilled it right when I left the room.

I felt my head spinning.  Not because I was mad about the milk. I was baffled by the honesty. I know she is only two but if I was in her position I’d probably be running around trying to clean it up. Or keep it a secret, hide it from whoever. Of course someone would probably tell on me so I do get how honesty is the best solution. I just expected E-girl to be the terrible two’s child making a mess and not asking or apologizing for it. But instead she confesses because she has recognized that notifying an adult is the right thing to do. I don’t know, it just made me not understand her for a bit. Like I was unable to comprehend her motives. She was like an alien from another planet. She impresses me with her choices and her joy for animals but the unpredictability is what intrigues me the most.

But then I stared to think about her approach to the situation. She didn’t tell her dad, or her grandma. She told me. She went to me with this two-year old dilemma. Maybe she knew I wouldn’t get mad or that I would understand. I didn’t want to get mad. Putting my self in that situation. I began to think of it as if I was the wild kid that spilled milk on the carpet. I’m pretty sure I would get in trouble or scolded.

Although the times have changed. I’m on the other end of the scenario. I didn’t want to make a big deal about it. Big fricken’ deal. Get over it. Again analyzing the situation too much maybe. I started to think of how my brother the dad would feel with this problem. Of course he might give a lecture about why we don’t take our drinks into the living room.  How the drinks should stay on the table. Again I’m not in that role. I’m the fun uncle and we are going to act like it never happened. I don’t even need to tell your dad. And deep down inside I’m hoping that this is the reason why E-girl told me first. She knew I would handle things smoothly. Yeah right. I wanted her to know that I’ll always try my best to show her things that she might need in her life. But if I have to get mad it’s only because I care.

The food idiom of the post is “It’s no use crying over spilt milk.” It matches perfect to how I felt about the spill. Some things in life are not always worth getting upset about. And as the uncle this saying is like a mantra for analyzing situations like this. Is this something worth getting mad about? Could I tell her in another way to be more careful? But who doesn’t spill a drink in their life? I’ve spilt several drinks, most of them probably in my adult life. Pobodies Nerfect.

Growing up is knowing where to draw the line. I hope someday E girl will help me cover up my spilled milk. She will probably say, “Quit your crying.”