A Breath Of Patience

Things are more fucked up than I thought, the realization of being alive sets an idea of what living can be and how I can create that with my voice. The tongue gets twisted, the words are maybe to tough to swallow. Speak to create what it is you seek, teach by being able to learn and grow. Once you embrace the clarity, your place is very much your own. The contribution to the fuckery is to each their own.

“The world into which we are born is brutal and cruel, and at the same time of divine beauty. Which element we think outweighs the other, whether meaninglessness or meaning, is a matter of temperament.” – Carl Jung

I’m thinking of my high school years and getting into different writers and being good friends with my English teacher. The problems I was dealing with back then I thought were so intense, maybe the tenseness just grows on you. I have way different issues than I did back then, I’m making up reasons to not attend graduate school and learning a new job in a field very new. I’m still struggling to find out what love is, blogging poetry and chasing the mystery of the universe.

You ever get that assignment to write a letter to your self and it was mailed to you ten years later. It was like the present you talking to future you. Well I didn’t complete the assignment, but it’s a bizarre thought. What kind of advice can a younger version of yourself give yourself? What kind of advice can the future you give to the high school version of you?

Keep headed in that direction and don’t lose sight of the dream.


Moving Up The Hill…

If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy…. Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for. – Bob Marley

These days are so fast paced, I’m taking on more than I have in the past, there is more I need to know and everything I know up to this point  needs to be utilized with my best efforts. It’s like re-figuring it out day by day, the knowledge is diverse, it can be something new or unfamiliar, but with an open mind, the experience is bliss. 

I think of the first day I met my niece, so nieve to my own place in the family, my brother brings her into the room with the these shiny shoes. We almost stare each other down, so familiar, her child eyes, baby face, re-seeing my brother for the first time. She has no problem with me holding her; it wasn’t till then I realized the impact I had on this kid. Smiling on my shoulders, we felt ambiguous standing in the living room, wondering about what the future held for a new us.

The greater good will always exist, the choices and outcomes to life are reflected in that bold touch reality gives us in those slight moments of clarity, that pat on the back. I guess clarity comes and goes, but what matters most is how you benefited from the great revelation, there’s a story prior, and one after when this one ends. At times like these when everything seems to be this continuous cycle-or-ball of energy blowing in the wind, I remember I have this role to be the strong brother, strong uncle and son. In that structure of loyalty to my people, everything I think is me surpasses those worries and second-guessings floating around. As silly as it sounds, we need to be told regularly that we are doing the right thing, everyday it must be said, I love you, me, us.








Big Brother Living

I missed the karma that came as a consequence – Jay Z

I have been in the comfort of my head, not always the place to be, in the sense of sharing my thoughts for the sake of keeping them bottled in. I am a writer, so obviously I need to be writing. I guess the time factor always has me wondering, our opinions change and new insights come to surface. Our minds can run a great distance if we let it prosper, and I think I just want to capture the true essence of myself writing what I feel is true.

The world has become this place where the impossible is actually allowable and now if you make the right moves the narrative is more accurate to what we had in our head. The human experience is determined by our mistakes, the great lessons come from decisions that maybe weren’t great in the moment. That’s the power of time, after a duration has passed, the reflection and openness to our choices shine a new reality.

Clarity is born out of confusion.

I really don’t share too much about my love life, or lack of. Over the years I have gotten to know a lot of beautiful individuals, and regardless of the way things worked out, sometimes the truth is so simple that your searching for additional evidence to support another way of understanding the outcome. That’s why time is so mysterious, I may see things differently tomorrow, nothing has changed, yet everything now makes sense.

After a long day at work, I come home and my Mom is watching a wedding show on tv, married at first sight. And she then asks me if I would ever have an arranged marriage?

Do I even want to be married?

I Made Reservations…

There is multiple meanings to the word Reservation, yet I am talking about the land drawn out for native people definition. I live on a reservation, it’s not “the reservation”, I mean there are several Rezs. Each with their own individuals and ways of living. Maybe the word Reservation isn’t able to truly define what a Rez is…

You know what’s a trip? When you go from one Rez to another Rez. As a native dude visiting another home of a tribe is like time traveling to a parallel universe. I mean you see things that are on your own Rez but in a different place. The landscape might not even be comparable from my Rez to maybe one in the northern Arizona area. I am from the desert, south, and may not see snow in the winter time, yet I can feel the dynamics of a Rez that does see snow. It’s different but the same.

I guess the term has it’s history to how it became a defined space for Native Americans of a particular tribe or tribes. I didn’t do any research, yet I can admit to some truth to the word in the context of labeling a place for Native people. How the borders of the overall country are so important to living this particular history of the land America. The reservations made, was it in the best interest of indigenous people living in these set locations?


Hellelujah You Are Not Dead…

This year was a testimony to the human struggle, from losing signficant people in your life, to having to question your own decisions about the journey and making the most of the experience. I have gained some valuable content I’m definitely bringing to the new year. Very greatful to have people around me that care and want me to win. The world can be described as a horrible place, cruel and heartless but that’s not the full story. We have some much to offer and to be thankful for living in this wonderful place, the mental state plays such a huge role in designing that world as your own dream.

We see it, yet it is mainly believing in it long enough to watch it grow into a reality.

Drunk Santa And Ugly Sweater Weather…

Is Winter a renewal of time, or is it only the final installment of change in season?

I always try to force this kind of mood on myself based on the time of the year, summer is this nolstagic bath of heat and winter is a struggle to stay warm. I can be the best planner, schedule a detailed timeline of what I expect. That’s a wonderful skill to have, yet that has nothing to do with what actually occurs. The plan is secondary to the real story, the influence of the Universe can not be underestimated.

Christmas time is here…

My Brother and Tiffany been in the spirit, they got a passion for the work, their like unofficial elves for Santa. I have a story about Ronny and Tiffany meeting Santa, but first let me tell you another tale. The newest Christmas adventure to tell during this time, the tale of the Ugly Sweater Contest.

My Aunty Dee calls our house and wanted to see if we could help her make an ugly sweater for a contest. Not me personally, more specifically Ronny and Tiffany, they already had the ornaments and Christmas decorations laid on the table. Remember they have been on creativity mode since Holloween, decorating and keeping it festive. They are pros when it comes to this kind of stuff, my Aunty Dee brings the sweater.

The ugly sweater has gotten to be a popular thing, it’s such a odd theme, but still cool. It’s almost like the more corney the better. The sweater is actually really nice, she bought it at a thrift shop, the Ugly Sweater Elves and My Aunty starting mapping out a design. Even my Mom did some sewing, it was this Christmas tree in the snow. You know some of the most beautiful pieces of art when seen for the first time arent perceived as pleasing to the eye. Its the actual amount of beautiful, unable to processed immediately.

They finish the sweater, and we all encourage her to try it on. Lets see this ugly sweater, the tag is not on the back of the front. Well the front of the ugly sweater design was really glued/stiched/stapled to the back. They look the same it’s a turtleneck, the roundness of the neck blurs the difference. She can still wear it backwards, no one will know. Maybe wear it plain in the front with the design on the back, be cool and mysterious, people gotta get behind you.

It was nearly an issue, the team decided to treat the back as a front, pretty much make a new front and have the first front be the second back. It was like there was no back, or no front. The real bonus was the amount of Christmas spirit they fit into this green sweater turtleneck.

Dee leaves to the contest…

Drunk Santa

Speaking of spirits, Ronny and Tiffany were at the grocery store, they were getting a few things. There was a older gentleman resembling Santa shopping too, he was buying booze. The conversation of the belief of Santa came out that very night, while we were sitting around the fire telling stories of Christmas shopping. Santa is the camouflaged elephant in the room, we can see him if we want but we choose not to because ultimately we all want to believe in something magical. At least for the sake of kids wanting to think that some jolly guy in red will be flying through the sky with reindeers doing the impossible and delivering gifts to all the houses.

They ended up behind the Santa look-a-like at the checkout line, the customer in front was using all her coupons taking a moment, and there sat Santa’s thirty pack and bottle of gin on the counter. The Bad Santa notices Ronny looking at his brew and says Cheaper than soda, they both laugh. He then pays for his items and leaves, but before he heads out, he puts on his Santa hat and says You guys have a Merry Christmas…

Was it him?

There was a knock at the door. It was my Aunty Dee. I won.

Old Saint Trick

The holidays have arrived, twenty something days away from the big one, Christmas needs that grinch role and I can knock that performance out the park, one take. The festivities vibe does take work and if your not focused, then you can miss out on the meaning of all your efforts. Showing appreciation to those deserving and embracing that joyful state of mind; I was so innocent at one point that I did believe in Santa during the Christmas time. Growing up having the impossible take place, to be apart of something unreal was bliss, Santa was here.

I was having a conversation last week with some co-workers about how they broke the code of revealing the reality of Santa and Tooth Fairy to their kids. I don’t have kids, so I can’t relate to these accounts of exchanging money for teeth, or eating cookies that were for you know who. I love the guy, always will, but I will not let my kids think some other fat jolly dude brought these gifts for them. I made this happen, so you better recognize.

The commercializations of the holiday has blurred the significance of the origin, the morales taught rather than possession representing meaning. Spending money on someone is not love, yet it sure can feel like it at times when we see the things we can buy for them. At the end of the day I want what’s best for my kinfolk, and often they will bring back the feeling of believing in something unbelievable.

Maybe I’m conflicted with the idea of raising children and being a individual dealing with the actuality of someone important, of course I want to believe, yet there is also the accountability of putting in that extra work. Everyone provides that energy and all our momentum is from being motivated by that special day.

If Santa is not real, why do we celebrate the Holiday so religiously?